The Fear of Outgrowing Who You Were

Looking back, I realise that one of the reasons I got into trouble as a teenager wasn’t just rebellion, anger, lack of direction or parenting . It was fear. Not fear of authority, not fear of consequences but fear of being judged by other troublesome teenagers for wanting more, being better . I have a distinct memory of not answering a difficult question the teacher had poised to the class , in case I got judged .

I wasn’t just afraid of failing. I was afraid of outgrowing the identity.

In certain circles, there’s an unspoken rule –

Don’t try too hard.

Don’t act like you’re better than us.

Don’t dream too big, or we’ll tear you down.

When you grow up in an environment where survival means fitting in, success can feel like betrayal not just of your friends, but of yourself. You start to believe that if you change, if you strive for more, you’ll be turning your back on the people who understood you when no one else did.

So, I played along. I stayed in trouble because staying small was safer than standing out.

The hardest part about growth isn’t the work it’s the loneliness. When you start making different choices, not everyone will celebrate you. Some will feel abandoned. Some will feel exposed. Some will try to pull you back, not because they don’t want you to succeed, but because your growth forces them to confront their own life .

And when you’re young, that kind of pressure is heavy. It’s easier to shrink yourself than to risk being cast out.

It took me a long time to understand that wanting more doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone it just means you know you were meant for more.

And real friends, real people who care about you, won’t resent your growth. They’ll either grow with you or cheer you on from where they are. The ones who turn against you? They were never rooting for you to begin with.

So if you’re feeling the pull to step away from what no longer serves you do it. If you’re scared that people will judge you for trying to be better try anyway.

Because the real loss isn’t leaving people behind. The real loss is leaving yourself behind to keep everyone else happy .